Advice you may or may not want to follow

Opinion: Columns

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By John Rice

Columnist / Staff reporter

While John recuperates, here's a column he reworked from 2007:

We all need words of inspiration now and then. So remember:

If at first you don't succeed, the Bears can probably use you at quarterback.

Whatever doesn't kill us, will expand our understanding of modern medicine.

If you stand for nothing, you might enjoy being a security guard.

No man is an island, regardless of how much water they displace at the pool.

The first step in conquering an addiction is to admit we no longer have a driver's license, or a car, but we still owe a mess of parking tickets.

It's always darkest before the dawn, except in Forest Park, where the streetlights are so bright, people forget to turn on their headlights.

A DVD in hand is worth two in the bargain bin.

Cast your bread upon the waters of the Des Plaines River and chances are the carp will be biting.

We have nothing to fear but terrorists, illegal aliens, and the candidates who won't stop talking about them.

I cried when I had no shoes because someone was tracking snow into the house.

When the going gets tough, stop for a cup of coffee until the traffic dies down.

It is better to give than to receive, but play it safe by including the gift receipt.

Workers of the world, unite! We have nothing to lose but our chain stores!

Don't tug on Superman's cape, spit into the wind, or roll through a stop sign on Harrison Street.

The meek are going to inherit the Earth, but I don't see how.

Playing the piano has opened doors for me in the world of music, while closing doors in my own house.

The high point in the history of human achievement is the yellow line that shows TV viewers the distance needed for a first down. The low point was the invention of the leaf blower.

If you build it, they will come — the building inspectors, that is.

Those who cannot remember the past — are increasing in number.

Eat, drink and be merry because Forest Park's economy depends on it.

The worst piece of financial advice I ever received was to wait for the disconnection notice before paying utility bills. I'll explain the pitfalls as soon as I get the power back on.

George Bernard Shaw said the Irish are not motivated by money. Well, that explains a lot.

I don't think anyone enjoys pumpkin carving and jack-o-lanterns more than squirrels.

Like many men, I wait until Halloween so I won't look out of place wearing a dress. 

As you can see from the content of this column, I agree with G. K. Chesterton that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries. Jrice1038@aol.com

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