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Places everyone! As part of Forest Park’s centennial celebration, we’re putting on a play about our history.

We’re going back a long way in time, people. Did Nadeau’s Ice Sculptures deliver the glacier? They don’t do glaciers? All right, costume, start stitching some sheets together and put in some sand and gravel for the glacier to deposit on stage.

OK, after the glacier puts us on higher ground, we’ll need a wooly mammoth. No costume? Get me – what’s the elephant’s name, Topsy? Do you mind if we slap some curved tusks and shag carpeting on your elephant costume, so you can play the mammoth? Yeah, I know you’re already playing a circus train accident survivor but this is show biz.

OK mammoth, let’s run through the scene where the caveman kills you with the spear. Wait – astronauts clear the stage; we don’t need you until the invention of the space pen in the third act.

That was very convincing, Topsy. Of course I know it’s a real spear. Let’s move the story along – Native Americans enter from stage left. That’s right a little pottery, a little arrow making – we have to represent a thriving culture that lasted centuries and we only have three and a half minutes.

Where’s our Leon Bourassa? You need more leather fringe and your French accent is terrible. Remember, you’re a fur trapper and you get the deed to Forest Park after the Native Americans exit stage right. Now, who’s going to play Ferdinand Haase? We used to have lots of guys in town with German accents.

Hold up – young lady if you’re going to play Liz Taylor, you can’t wear a red dress. Remember, you came here for your husband’s funeral, not a movie premier.

OK – cue the railroad workers – make sure you sweep up the sand and gravel from the glacier to use on the right-of-way.

Excuse me, who are all these guys in tinted glasses and loud suits? I told you, the dancing Sam Giancanas can practice over here and the singing Giancanas just have to wait.

Stage crew; bring out the set for the big amusement park scene. I like the baby swing – makes the audience use their imagination – but wind it up – we need action.

Who threw that ball? Billy Sunday, we don’t need you until Act Two – relax. You can practice your lines with President Clinton and “Papa Bear” Halas. And remember, no chewing tobacco in the pulpit.

What? Emma Goldman and the Haymarket Martyrs are striking for higher pay. Didn’t I tell you people – none of us are getting paid? We’re volunteering to make this the most memorable celebration in our town’s history. What are we calling the play? I thought everybody liked “Springtime for Forest Park?”