Rules of society

You may have heard the “man laws” on beer commercials. Here are the “Forest Park Laws.”

• The overnight parking ban also applies to the shopping cart in front of your house.
• When you’re picking someone up, only two beeps are allowed before going to the door-and no honking between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m.
• Forest Park drivers who cut through gas stations to avoid traffic lights are required to increase their medication.
• No catching of a 16-inch softball with a mitt. Plus, your no gloves tournament T-shirt must be part of your every day wardrobe.
• No matter how many items you forget, you are limited to two visits to a Forest Park grocery store per day.
• If you’re planning to shop in Forest Park you must allow an extra 20 minutes for socializing.
• Teenage pedestrians must occasionally use the sidewalk.
• The icicle lights look great but all Christmas decorations must be taken down by Valentine’s Day.
• If you’re panhandling in Forest Park, you must come up with a more creative excuse than needing money to take the el.
• If you’re a student “sneaking in” to our schools, you must memorize your Forest Park “address” and not stay home just because your neighborhood school has a day off.
• No speeding, ever, and turn down the music. Unless it’s a song by Ludacris, then you can pump it up.
• If you need to stay at a hotel, go to a banquet hall, or attend a movie theater, you’re permitted to leave Forest Park.
• No automated phone calls from Forest Park candidates and no political flyers on doorknobs or windshields.
• Double parking is reserved exclusively for beer trucks.
• Listen you Little Leaguers, you have to stride toward the pitcher when you swing-no more bailing out toward third base.
• Use your “inside” voice even when you’re outside, it’s the only considerate way to exit a tavern.
• If homeowners don’t want their houses torn down for parking lots they should offer valet service.
• Whenever possible, residents should walk or bike to their in-town destinations. If you must drive, continue to avoid Harlem Avenue at all costs.
• Community service is mandatory in Forest Park. After you’ve cleaned up the empties in front of your building, make sure the sewer’s not clogged.
• Sure you can hear every word your neighbors say when their windows are open but don’t embarrass them by asking what the argument was about.
• If you are with a companion, do not make a cell phone call until they receive one.
• You cannot drive a cab in Forest Park that looks like the customer is going to have to get out and push.

This is only a sampling of the Forest Park Laws. We haven’t gotten into the penalties for saying something stupid during a pub crawl.