Check out this year’s Forest Park Community Guide!

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As a public service to our busy readers, here’s a summer reading list of the shortest books ever written:

“Disbarred to Digging: My Life in Sewer Projects” by Anthony Bruno. Like Forest Park’s sewer reconstruction, this book quickly ends for no reason.

“When the Weather Smiled” by Lori Kokenes. Chamber of Commerce Director recalls 30 minutes of tolerable conditions during St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Coming soon, “The Sun Finally Shines on Summerfest.”

“Books I Didn’t Much Care For” by Augie Aleksy. Centuries & Sleuths bookseller’s companion to his mammoth “Books I Really Liked That Are Available At My Store.”

“Soups Without Spices” by Tim Shanahan. Slim cookbook is a perfect compliment to Shanahan’s 980-page “Jambalaya Breakfast.”

“21-year-old Birthday Parties I’ve Enjoyed” by Mark Hosty. Bar owner’s warm memories of two tavern parties in which birthday celebrant didn’t get sick.

“The Mormon Influence in Forest Park” by Brian and Hannah Porter. Quick read on how really nice couple has immediate neighbors on verge of conversion.

“Boring People We’ve Buried” compiled by the staff of Forest Home Cemetery. After a diligent study of the lives of more than 100,000 deceased, book has only three really boring biographies.

“Ice Cream-Free Recipes” by Connie Brown. Brown Cow owner’s three-page follow-up to her two-volume, “Everything’s Better A la mode.”

“Difficulties I Faced Sneaking Into District 91 Schools.” Anonymous middle schooler details how he pointed out his Chicago home during a field trip and still wasn’t busted.

“Women I Failed To Kiss On the Cheek At the Community Center” by Mayor Anthony Calderone. The mayor’s first book is short and sweet but he promises more content in his upcoming, “I Hope They Name the Picnic Grove After Me.”

“Positively Proviso” by the Forest Park Review. It’s a compilation of feel-good pieces about our local high school.

“Inner Workings” by Bob Kutak. Inside look at Public Works Department contains very little text, as author said they were too busy steam-cleaning sidewalks and replacing fences to write about it.

“Fond Memories of My Final Term” by Tim Gillian. Ex-commissioner focuses on time that opponents held the door at village hall open for him.

“Kidnapped” by Cecilia Hardacker. All the known facts about the disappearance of Miss Ela-phish from outside of Two-Fish’s front door. Two-pager fails to answer why such a good looking elephant would still be addressed as “Miss.”

“Journalism Awards I’ve Won” by John Rice. Puffed up piece about winning third place prize in 1996. Follow-up to “Desperate: How I Stole Column Concepts from Sports Illustrated’s Rick Reilly.”

John Rice

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball...