Thank you for letting me serve as acting mayor, while Mayor Calderone attends that mayor’s conference in Honolulu. I can’t wait to try out his parking space at village hall.

My first proclamation is to block off my street–no it’s not a block party–I want to lie on my lawn chair in the middle of the street and this may be my only chance. If I get too warm, the pool has a chair reserved for me. Make sure it doesn’t have any broken straps.

Now, if you’ll excuse me-what, there’s a council meeting tonight? Sorry, I don’t do meetings. If we could watch “Monday Night Football” during the meeting, maybe. What are we going to discuss anyway-the new YMCA coming to Forest Park? We’re getting a multi-million dollar indoor recreation facility after waiting a hundred years. Here, give me those papers; I’m signing right now. You can cancel the meeting.

As mayor, I would also like to relax the overnight parking ban slightly. Here are my license plate numbers. Otherwise the parking ban remains in full effect.

My second proclamation is to have nightly showings of “High School Musical 2” at the park. I have a bootleg copy right here–it’s the best darn sequel I’ve ever seen. What do you mean the park is a separate entity?

Well maybe they’ll play ball after my third proclamation: from now on, all the parks the village owns are transferred to the Park District. That’s right, even if it looks like a park; I want the Park District to maintain it. That includes my side lot.

Now let’s turn our attention to public safety. After we cul de sac all the streets along Roosevelt Road–OK, we’ll leave Harlem, Circle, and Desplaines open–the reduced residential speed limit will be 20 mph. You can’t drive much faster than that on brick streets and they’re all going to be brick again.

As for your personal safety, I’m offering the protection of my private detective agency to any citizen who doesn’t have an alarm system. Conflict of interests? What if I charge my reduced residential rate?

I just thought up another proclamation. I know there was a band scheduled to play Groovin’ in the Grove, but you don’t mind me replacing them also. I’ve learned about 10 songs on the piano, “Frere Jacques” being my favorite. But I can improvise for hours, so just come on down!

Gee, being mayor sure makes me hungry. I guess it’s time for my progressive dinner at the Madison Street restaurants. Hey, I missed the Chamber of Commerce one, why can’t I have my own?

One more thing, as liquor commissioner, I’m ordering that all beer lines in Forest Park be cleaned out. I’ll be making nightly inspections to make sure this is strictly enforced.