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I hold these truths to be self-evident:

  • Keeping young children out late is a cruel and unusual punishment that should be reserved for major holidays, when you must visit both sides of the family.
  • Playing the piano has opened doors for me into the world of music, while closing doors in my own house.
  • It’s too late for the Colorado Rockies but I warn baseball players at any level: never swing at the second pitch.
  • Like Oscar Wilde, I can resist anything except temptation.
  • The most annoying thing about construction vehicles is the beep-beep-beep. We can see they’re backing up-the sonic assault is unnecessary.
  • The high point in the history of human achievement is the yellow line that shows TV viewers the distance needed for a first down. The low point was the invention of the leaf blower.
  • When I saw ads for “Survivor: China” I thought they were promoting the Christmas toy-buying season.
  • They say that any publicity is good publicity but the last two newspaper stories I read about Forest Park described police brutality and the fact that our parking meters will soon be charging downtown prices.
  • The more bright yellow paint you see on neighborhood businesses, the rougher the neighborhood is.
  • There should be a law that when you’re stuck behind a car, the cars behind you can’t come around and cut off your escape.
  • President Bush is one of the great statesmen of modern times–if you compare him to our governor. And the governor looks like Abe Lincoln compared to Cook County President Todd Stroger.
  • I don’t want to tread on Jackie Schulz’s turf but congratulations to Kelly Rice and Josh Molnar on their recent engagement.
  • I’d also like to place an employment ad: “Father-of-the-bride seeking third job.”
  • My father told me the investigation business was recession-proof. He was right. Mortgage foreclosures anyone?
  • Poet Ogden Nash summarized our present economy when he said, “A penny saved is impossible.”
  • The worst piece of financial advice I ever received was to wait for the disconnection notice before paying utility bills. I’ll explain the pitfalls as soon as I get the power back on.
  • George Bernard Shaw said that the Irish are not motivated by money. Well, that explains a lot.
  • I don’t think anyone enjoys pumpkin carving and jack-o-lanterns more than the squirrels.
  • Like many men, I had to wait for Halloween so I wouldn’t look out of place wearing a dress.
  • As you can see from the content of this column, I believe, like G. K. Chesterton, that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.