Editor’s note: John Rice has the week off. Please enjoy this updated column from 1993.
Back in 1993, I thought the economy was strong enough to create these non-traditional jobs. Now, that the economy has cooled off, we need these non-traditional jobs:
Sandmen, Ltd., a Division of Sleeptronics: Most parents can find daycare for their children but what about night care? Help is especially needed at that critical juncture of the evening known as bedtime. Sandmen, Ltd. provides licensed sleep technicians to come at the appointed hour to put your children to bed. Service includes a story read to each child, drinks of water and tucking in. Sandmen also remain on duty for an extra half hour in case wakefulness reoccurs. Having a sleep professional on hand allows parents to relax and watch “CSI” uninterrupted.
Recreation Unlimited: What do you do when your friends aren’t available and you want to shoot some pool, have a drink, or watch a game? Call Recreation Unlimited. Their consultants are available 24/7 for fun and companionship. They are fluent in generic conversation, with phrases like “Nice catch,” “How about another?” and “C’mon ref, he was fouled.” They are also expert at losing to you in darts and video games, without making it look too obvious.
Photo Arrangers: Many households have drawers full of family photographs that have been dumped there and never sorted or displayed. Photo Arrangers places these pictures neatly in albums. Or, for an additional cost, they will create a DVD of your favorite images, accompanied by soothing music. In the process, they discard over-exposed, out-of-focus and unflattering photos, as well as pictures of people you’re no longer related to by marriage. Photo Arrangers also calculate the picture count of each family member and identifies which child needs more photos to achieve a balanced family portfolio.
Shotgun Associates: This service provides a licensed driver to sit in your car, while you park illegally to run errands downtown and at the mall. They’re perfect for those brief business stops where you don’t want to pay for parking. Technicians are trained to remain in telephone contact with their clients, after the cops chase them out of their spot.
Queues ‘R Us: Associates will stand in line for you at any location. They are especially valuable at the department of motor vehicles and outside stores that are holding early-morning sales events. Concert tickets, school registration, or an especially busy day at the bakery, leave the standing in line to them.
Creative Excuses: Late for work? Call Creative Excuses and they’ll fax you a police report detailing the fender-bender that prevented you from being on time. For longer absences, they can do medical records.
You’re probably wondering who will be able to afford these services in our cooling economy. Why, rich people of course. We’ve got to find some way to make that stuff trickle down.