With 42 days or so left to the next presidential election, the time quickly draws near for all registered voters to execute one of the most important decisions required of their adult lives. We must focus on our core values and match those values with the candidate who most closely represents our needs. Although I still have some additional research to complete, I will offer this piece of guidance for those old and new to the ballot booth. Don’t vote for Goofy!

Voting for Goofy always leads to problems with the economy, problems with foreign affairs, problems with the environment, and problems on the domestic front. All presidents will face challenges and issues, however, a true leader rises to the occasion and offers compassion, guidance, and solutions.

Goofy doesn’t have these qualities.

More importantly, Goofy doesn’t care that he lacks these essential traits. I realize that few choices remain if you choose not to vote for Goofy. Nevertheless, I challenge you to do the research and find the few candidates who seek to rise above the status quo of stupidity and silliness.

Wonder Woman for president and Superman for vice president would present a great ticket for this country. They represent truth, justice, and the American way. No doubt the star power would also draw in Iron Man to seriously consider a position as secretary of defense. With the crimson and gold titanium superhero on our side, what terrorist organization or unfriendly, rogue nation would stand against us? Wait a minute. I think the constitution requires a president to be a natural born U.S. citizen. Oh well, our foreign hopefuls from Paradise Island and Planet Krypton will have to wait.

Okay, how about George Jetson for president and Fred Flintstone for vice president? No doubt Fred represents the blue-collar pride that built this country. A Bedrock native would certainly embody the interests, concerns, and conservative values of middle America. Meanwhile, Mr. Jetson personifies a leader with a vision for the future. As a matter of fact, George has been living in the future since the 1960s! I am sure his experience at Spacely Sprockets would lend itself to some revolutionary collaboration with Detroit automakers that would turn the whole industry around. That’s good for the economy. Besides, who could out-class Jane Jetson as first lady?

As I survey the landscape, other presidential hopefuls appear to be real contenders. The clever and witty Bugs Bunny or the fast-rising New Mexico native Road Runner, or the bigger than life icon Mickey Mouse could surely catapult this country back to prominence. Unfortunately, the cable news outlets would point a laser at every detail of a candidate’s past. The “guilt by association” card would be quickly played to highlight relations with unsavory characters such as Elmer Fudd (gun lobbyist), Wile E. Coyote, and Goofy himself. Even candidates with the best intentions and capabilities would never be able to overcome past missteps (e.g. Betty Boop sex scandal, Popeye spinach for submarines scandal, or the Porky Pig chicken labor fiasco).

Our country’s next leader requires the strength of Mighty Mouse and the resilience of Jerry the Mouse. He/she needs to take a responsible stand on the environment like Yogi Bear, Rocky the Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose. He/she must not only be able to show compassion like Winnie the Pooh, but also demonstrate a passion for restoring our educational system, like Barney the Dinosaur. In matters of international diplomacy, our next leader should speak softly, like Dora the Explorer, but be prepared to wield a big stick, like Bamm Bamm Rubble. Finally, our next leader should be able to resolve any moral dilemma, crisis, disaster, or mystery within 30 minutes, just like Scooby Doo and Fat Albert did.

This November, choose to stay away from Goofy (and Homer, Daffy, and Donald). Vote for a candidate that takes a cool stand on the issues and looks cool doing the job, like Snoopy. You can even vote for Tony the Tiger. He’s Greeeeaaattt!

If you are not registered to vote, Forest Park residents may do so by visiting the village clerk’s office during regular business hours. After all, this election is no cartoon. It affects us all in very real ways.