I’m terrible at keeping New Year’s resolutions, so I’m outsourcing this year.
Public works: I only have three words – pass the salt.
Blue Line beggar: it can’t always be three days since you ate. Come up with a new sales pitch.
Drug users: if you think Forest Park gas stations are safe places to break open your stash, you should read our police reports.
Commissioners: let’s follow the example of Berwyn and Oak Park and beautify Roosevelt Road.
President Obama: enforce our environmental laws again. I haven’t had a pollution investigation in eight years.
Governor Blago: see what you would look like with an institution-length haircut.
Merchants, restaurateurs and barkeeps: designate one day a week when you give us a modest break on prices.
Forest Park consumers: make sure you patronize our local businesses on the day they give us a break.
Todd Stroger: find a cousin or nephew who can do a better job and let them take over as president of the Cook County board.
Big Guy: stop with the severe temperature shifts, the weather’s freaking us out.
Mayor Daley: cut back on the surveillance cameras and check out what the Constitution says about our rights to privacy.
NFL: no more reviewing instant replay to see if the ref got it right, or going to commercial right after a kick return. Even retirees don’t have enough time to watch a football game.
NBA: fine your players for each tattoo and their skin will clear up.
District 91 teachers: your excitement over the reorganization of our schools will be contagious.
District 91 parents: give the plan a chance to work.
District 91 students: pick up your wrappers and use your inside voices when you’re walking past my house.
Park district: your building improvements are impressive but the pool locker rooms still need serious help.
Water department: keep the water flowing but hold the lead.
Forest Park neighbors: clearing the snow from my sidewalk and parking place is great-any chance for some help trimming the evergreens?
Mayor Calderone: after you have all our streets repaved, please tackle the alley behind my house.
The Lemurs: switch our rehearsals from Sunday morning to Saturday; I can’t miss any more church.
Roos developer: if building permits are holding up the project, ask the village for one of those all-inclusive deals they give to elected officials.
Motorists: this is your final warning. Brake for pedestrians crossing Madison Street and don’t block my right turn from Marengo.