I don’t mean to generalize, but:
The most reckless drivers have cars with temporary license plates (electric vehicles excluded).
The slowest drivers have “prevent violence” license plates. Makes you wonder if the PV stands for provoking violence.
Economically depressed neighborhoods have the most businesses decorated with bright yellow paint.
Middle schoolers spend much of their day play fighting.
Just when we need their help the most, banks have gotten fee-crazy and loan-shy.
Allowing “royal” families to tax us to death and pass down political offices to relatives went out of style in 1776, or so I thought.
Riveredge is the worst name for a psychiatric facility, if you don’t count Madden Mental Health Center.
Little League starts too early every spring, so does major league baseball – snowouts anyone?
Just when we’re hurting the most, we’re getting nickel-and-dimed by intersection cameras, pricey parking meters and ridiculous toll way fines.
Cigarettes now cost more than illegal substances.
The only person dumber than a sitcom dad is a movie comedy dad.
Restrooms are progressively cleaner the higher they are above street level.
In these politically correct times, you not only can’t put down an ethnic group, you can’t praise one – but does anyone make better beer than the Czechs?
If Chicago gets the Olympics, will bid rigging, kick backing and pension stuffing be added to the decathlon?
The reason cars aren’t selling is we’re already suffering from sticker shock at the grocery store.
Can we all agree that rock ‘n’ roll peaked about 40 years ago?
Childhood actors are great these days. Why were they so stiff in the old movies?
If you even say hello to a child you don’t know, there’s a risk you’ll be adding an orange jumpsuit to your wardrobe.
Cover bands and tribute bands are a cultural godsend. Symphony orchestras are really just cover bands for Beethoven and Bach.
Just when we’re nursing our cars through their golden years, potholes are accelerating the aging process.
There are two kinds of people in America – those who are walking around looking down at their cell phones and those who are not.
New dining room chairs are 50 percent wider than the old ones – a direct result of dollar menus and drive-through windows.
Steroids in the meat – no wonder 11 year olds are thinking about marriage.
Pharmaceuticals in the fish – how can we expect them to bite, when they’re doing the backstroke on Prozac?
It’s only a matter of time. Professional athletes will have to start working side jobs again.
Those who choose to ignore history are doomed to repeat the course.
There’s a bright spot to declining home values. I just can’t think of it right now.
The future of Forest Park looks promising. We’ve got the YMCA coming, the 16-inch Softball Hall of Fame opening and squirrels constructing a condo inside my wall.
John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.