According to a Sheboygan School of Medicine study, a major affliction has struck half our aging population. Malepause hits men in their mid 50s, causing great discomfort and irrational behavior. Look at our ex-governor. He was just another guy with a good haircut until malepause reduced him to selling senate seats and seeking to out-survive celebrities.
Besides suffering from malepause madness, these men are hit by cold flashes. They wear thermal underwear six months a year and are still pulling on fleeces in late May. Even when they dare to brave the elements in shorts, malepausers wear heat-absorbing black socks to stay warm.
When they’re not freezing, malepause sufferers are seething. They don’t have the monthly tantrums that tormented them in their 20s, because they’re angry all the time. But unlike middle-aged women, their anger is always righteous.
For example, let’s say a female spouse lowers the thermostat to 60 degrees, causing her poor husband to suffer a cold flash and pull on a fleece. The malepauser is quite justified to fly into a rage and crank that sucker back up to 65.
Besides severe mood swings, malepausers experience a loss of muscle mass. So, a man who was a strapping 5-feet 7-inches and 130 pounds in his prime, can now be beaten up by a 12-year-old girl. Muscle weakness can also lead to family friction.
What if the malepauser is resting his depleted muscles on the sofa when his female spouse asks him to carry in bags of groceries? Now, the man is not only weak, he has two large sons who could probably carry him in with the canned goods. Medical experts say the malepauser would be perfectly justified to throw a fit at this time and bang the bags down on the counter.
Energy drain is another sign of malepause. Formerly active men are thrilled to spend six hours a night thumbing the channel changer. In one case study, the victim confessed that as long as he had the Cubs, Sox and Fox News, his life was complete.
Is there hope for the malepause sufferer? The Sheboygan study doesn’t offer any. Sufferers will add increasing layers of clothing until in their 70s; they’re bundling up for the Fourth of July. They will snap at you for the slightest reason – don’t even think about wrinkling their newspaper. And don’t expect any manual labor from them. They cannot lift anything heavier than a six-pack.
So, if you see one of these overdressed men shuffling through Forest Park, muttering under their breath, don’t be afraid. Offer them a windbreaker, soothe them with talk about the Cubs, Sox and Fox and assure them that some grocery stores deliver.
