You thought the political brawl ended yesterday, but it’s really just beginning. I squared off with noted Forest Park conservative, Paul Barbahen a few days before the ballots were cast. Here are my thoughts about how our country will change under Tea Party rule, while Paul muses about how bad things will be if the Democrats somehow retain their power.
John: The Department of Education becomes the Department of Home Schooling, with all of it’s funding shifted to the No Private School Left Behind Act.
Paul: Mexican border walls removed for turnstiles, while Walmart-type greeters replace the Border Patrol.
John: Second Amendment now requires all citizens to conceal and carry.
Paul: Food police ticket restaurants that serve margarine with transfat levels that exceed government regulations – oops, already happened in Baltimore.
John: After president’s birth certificate subpoenaed from Kenya, Republicans graciously allow him to finish term because they can’t stand Obama getting unemployment benefits.
Paul: Whoopie Goldberg, Joy Behar and Rachel Maddow are appointed to fill vacancies on the Supreme Court.
John: First Amendment separation between state and witchcraft removed.
Paul: Bernie Madoff released from prison to head another Ponzi scheme known as Social Security.
John: The EPA (Environmental Penetration Agency) begins drilling for oil in Yellowstone, while demanding increased carbon emissions because temperatures in North America are “too damn low.”
Paul: Democrat fat-cat George Soros appointed Secretary of Treasury, while Charlie Sheen becomes new head of the Food and Drug Administration.
John:Public transportation funding reallocated to the new Private Jet Subsidy.
Paul: New 100 percent tax rate allows government to redistribute all income, as it Dems, I mean deems appropriate.
John: Creationism becomes most popular major among science students.
Paul:To maintain the self-esteem of every American, all Super Bowls end in a tie.
John: Debtor’s prisons are judged as more efficient than welfare, while minimum wage can now be paid in coupons.
Paul: Faces on Mt. Rushmore replaced with Mao, Marx, Lenin and, of course, Obama.
John: Fox News becomes official U.S. news agency, with a spokesman claiming, “Pravda means ‘truth’ in Russian but we’re even truthier.”
Paul: Obama replaces “God Bless America” with “Go Go White Sox” while “Go Cubs Go” is labeled hate speech.
You see, Paul and I are so civil; I just let him have the last word. Our political fight aside, we have much in common. We both love the White Sox, playing the piano and listening to Gershwin. More importantly, we both think my mother-in-law is a really nice person. We also proved that you don’t need a beer summit to settle your differences. Harrison Street Café coffee will do just as well.
John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.