These are some things I know but can’t explain:

The one time I went to Maybrook Courthouse without wearing a tie, the clerks all addressed me as “Counselor.”

How can Russia still be the largest country in size after so many of its republics broke away to become independent states? And how did I convince my Trivia Night teammates to change what would have been the correct answer to “Canada?”

Why do overdraft fees so often exceed the amount of the check?

I can understand why my late brother Edward became a pinko communist expatriate but how could he root for the Yankees?

We allow red-light cameras even though they increase accidents at the very intersections they’re supposed to protect.

The surest way for a politician to lose their popularity is to get elected to office. Just ask the Democrats.

We have an ordinance against loud car stereos, yet we allow residents to use leaf blowers. I’ll take a pulsating bass over those screaming contraptions any day.

Trust me, you’ll enjoy listening to your iPod more if you play the songs in alphabetical order. What could be better than hearing different versions of “Summertime” back-to-back?

The Blackhawks have a much better chance of scoring when I leave the room.

A friend of mine was surprised to hear there are music books to teach you how to improvise.

Poetry Magazine received a $100 million gift and is building a new headquarters downtown, which is why job seekers should get serious about buying rhyming dictionaries.

The more electronic ways we have to communicate, the lonelier we get.

Cars are engineered to be safer and safer, while our driving habits become more and more death defying.

The radio show you normally like will stink if your spouse is in the car.

Hollywood only remakes movies that were good the first time around and didn’t need to be remade.

When the movie you went to on your first date shows up on Turner Classic Movies, are you too old to make out?

Those who most need loans don’t qualify, while it’s been my experience that those who need mortgage modifications either make too much or too little money.

We have an ordinance against loud car stereos, yet we allow elevator music to be played in public places?

By making any screen image possible, computer graphics are destroying the magic of movies.

Having too many choices actually paralyzes our ability to choose, which is why I spend so much time in the breakfast cereal aisle.

The decline of western civilization can be seen most clearly in the decreasing quality of song lyrics. The Beatles started it all when they wrote, “Why Don’t We Do It In the Road.”

Sticking to one topic is easier than making many desperate attempts at humor.

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.