I was browsing through Facebook, when I stumbled on my dog Coop’s page. Figuring that he’s man’s best you-know-what, I asked to be his friend.

Coop’s profile picture showed him sleeping on a chair. In fact, all of Coop’s 162 photos are of him snoozing on furniture.

I checked his status – “single.” Well, that figured, seeing that his dating life sharply declined the day he was neutered. I also saw photos of his friends: Spike, Holly and Terminator. They’re friends in name only, because all they do is bark and howl at each other from their fenced-in yards.

What really caught my attention were Coop’s frequent updates. “Wow, got a great night’s sleep, after napping all day. I know my master won’t be up until 6:00 but, what the heck, I’ll start howling at 5:00.”

“Can’t wait for them to let me out and feed me. I’ve been eating this really great meal twice a day for five years now. It’s a bowl of these brown chunks that come out of a big yellow bag. I jump up and down when my master fills my bowl. It’s the only exercise I get.”

Terminator: “Got caught eating garbage again. They yelled something that ended in ‘k.’ I don’t think it was walk”

“Droopy ears are a pain – literally. Spent a couple of hours licking my paw and rubbing my ear. Oh no, they’re fetching the ear medicine from the fridge. Man that stuff is cold – got to hide. They got me – they got me. I’ll have to do my usual thing and wipe it off on the carpet.”

Spike: “When are you going outside? Could use a good bark.”

“Woke up from two hour nap – still not meal time. Wait, what’s that sound? My master is cleaning the kitchen. When he brushes the crumbs onto the floor, it’s almost as good as licking plates.”

“Oh, great – someone has the nerve to walk their dog right past my property. I better stand on the chair and howl hysterically. I also howl whenever my master lets me out. It’s a great sound – like I’m yelling with a sore throat.”

Holly: “They’re going to take me for a walk! I know because I can spell it now.”

“C’mon it’s got to be 2:00. What’s my master doing inside his office? I hope he’s making enough money to buy another big yellow bag. Wait he’s typing something on my Facebook page. “How do I like Forest Park?”

“Well, I’m too timid to go to the dog park and I have a panic attack every time another dog gets within sniffing distance. But, otherwise, this town has a lot great scents: Kay’s Bakery, Ferrara Pan Candy – Duckfat, though, is my favorite. Wait. He’s walking toward the yellow bag – gotta go.”

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.