Covering stand-up comedy at Skrine Chops inspired me to write my own three minutes.
“Hey, Forest Park, what’s good? (polite applause). Some people confuse this town with Park Forest (chuckles); what are they talking about? Park Forest is like a millionth and Western. It’s so far south they fought us in the Civil War (one titter). Actually, Park Forest is like Bizarro Forest Park, because they don’t have any restaurants or cemeteries (silence). Hey, maybe some of the dead got in here tonight, this Park Forest stuff usually kills.
“That’s all we got here: dead people, restaurants and bars. A lot of people are served their first drink in Forest Park (knowing laughter). You know, they come here to celebrate that special birthday – the big 1-9. I’m not saying there’s underage drinking in Forest Park but it’s the only town where people use fake learner’s permits (scattered laughs).
“Talk about politics in Forest Park, whew! I don’t have a punch line for that – but I thought I said ‘whew’ pretty funny (silence). You know what they call traffic jams in Forest Park? Funeral processions (sprinkled laughs). I mean these are people with friends. There’s no way I’d tie up traffic – it would just be me in back of the hearse doing 60 on the Eisenhower (single clap).
“Whoa, tough crowd. Maybe, I should tell you a little bit about myself. As you can see, I’m old and short but I think being Irish makes up for both (one giggle). Forest Park has a strong Irish influence – it’s called Guinness. Let’s see, today is Jan. 20, in Forest Park that’s two weeks from St. Patrick’s Day (two titters).
“We’re even sister cities with Cork, Ireland. They sent a delegation to Forest Park to learn how to drink (multiple giggles). We’ll use any excuse to party, like: ‘Hey, it’s warm out’; ‘Hey, I really like ribs’; and the ever-popular, ‘Hey, I like watching fireworks through beer goggles.’
“Did you hear the one about the minister, the priest and the rabbi who came to Forest Park? The rabbi says, ‘The only temple they have is Masonic. I’m going back to Oak Park’ (nervous giggle). Oak Park, that’s one crazy place. Every third storefront serves coffee. In Forest Park, every third storefront serves the antidote to coffee (one gentle chuckle).
“Getting back to me, I’m so old I grew up during the Great Depression, which in my family was called the ’60’s (scattered laughs). That’s when my dad decided that eating regular was overrated and started his own investigation business (slight giggle).
“We not only didn’t have enough food, pillows were scarce and I had joint custody of a blue toothbrush with my dad, who smoked cigarettes and ate black licorice (audible disgust). Wow that went fast; be back next Thursday.”