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I have something of a melancholy temperament, so it’s easy for me to get into ruts writing about heavy subjects like my last column on death and cemeteries. 

And I’m not the only one who is finding it hard to be upbeat.  Lots of people seem to be down in the dumps about the economy, political polarization, climate change, the growing divide between the rich and poor, the lack of affordable health insurance, their doubt that even Theo Epstein can turn the Cubs around, etc. Just thinking about it makes me want to write another pessimistic column.

Sometimes things get so bad that all a person can do is laugh.  So, in a bold move to liberate myself, and perhaps a few readers from the shackles of melancholia, I present to you the following (which I’ve gleaned from emails I’ve received):

The economy is so bad that…

. . . I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

. . . CEO’s   are now playing miniature golf.

. . . Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 congressmen.

. . . I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

. . . I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

. . . Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

. . . Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

. . . A picture is now only worth 200 words.

. . . They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street”.

If those didn’t make you laugh, these might make you at least grimace.

 The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.  It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

 A dog gave birth to puppies near the road … and was cited for littering.

 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

 I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

 The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

 A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

 Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

 That about does it…


Tom Holmes has worked in Forest Park since 1982 as a pastor and as a writer. He is grateful that his children grew up in this town and finds inspiration in the personal relationships he has developed with so many.