You know you grew up in a big Catholic family if:
- You still resent the sister who had her own room.
- You became accustomed to finding your toothbrush wet in the morning.
- You were always under suspicion at school because of what your older brother did.
- You hoped your mother got your name right on the fourth try.
- You bought cigarettes before you were 6, with a note from your dad.
- You had to wear hand-me-downs that only your mom thought were in style.
- You made multiple visits to the emergency room.
- Your parents lost you more than once in a public place.
- Your big Christmas present was a toaster oven.
- You served time as a human remote control.
- You sat for hours at the dinner table rather than finish your peas.
- Your older brother tricked you into playing “52 Card Pick-up.”
- You were essentially raised by your big sister.
- You were scared every time your dad got home.
- No one taught you how to tie your shoes.
- You never had your own bike.
- There wasn’t enough room for you on the couch.
- Sharing baths was common and bathwater could always be recycled.
- Your dad wasn’t sure what grade you were in.
- Your parents didn’t come with you on Halloween — or when you had to go to the dentist.
- You still cherish that family vacation, when only three kids went to Michigan.
- You never knew who was going to barge in on you in the bathroom.
- You were grocery shopping for the family when you could barely see over the cart.
- You found certain relatives very scary but were forced to visit them anyway.
- You could never find a restaurant that could seat the whole family.
- You wished you had your friend’s cool parents.
- You got your mother’s full attention that one time.
- You can’t remember your siblings’ birthdays — to this day.
- Your middle name was either Mary or Joseph.
- You lost every fight with your big brother.
- You learned to speak very rapidly at the dinner table.
- You said the family rosary together when times were tough.
- You weren’t embarrassed as a little boy to buy female hygiene products when necessary
- You had to use hand-me-down textbooks that might be missing a few pages.
- You learned to disappear after dinner to avoid washing the dishes.
- You never got tired of peanut butter and jelly.
- You thought it was normal to wear your coat in the house on winter mornings.
- You spent Saturdays vacuuming under and behind the furniture.
- You dreaded your parents coming home from parent-teacher conferences.
- You could mix cocktails at a very young age.
- You had identical twins you couldn’t tell apart.
- You enjoyed the intimidated look of boyfriends facing the whole clan.
- You got used to zipping and unzipping dresses for various females in the family.
- Most of your pictures growing up show you in the same outfit.
- You got to sit on the mechanical horse but no one put a coin in.
- You alternated between tuna fish casserole and fish sticks on Fridays.
- You were told more than once that you were adopted.
- You had patches on the knees of your uniform pants.
- You worked funerals and weddings as an altar boy for extra cash.
- You thought of your friends as your real siblings.
- Your mother cleaned your face with saliva.
- You were disappointed by empty boxes of cookies on the shelf and empty juice containers in the fridge.
- You learned how to use a paint roller in first grade.
- You thought it would be cool to dig a hole to China in the backyard — until your dad got home.
- You had your Halloween candy confiscated and rationed.
- You thought the Polish kid in your school was from another planet.
- You have kids who wonder how you survived childhood.
John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.
