Cemetery-touring season in Forest Park is in full swing. Memorial Day is right around the corner. So here are some of the colorful inscriptions you might come across (unless I imagined them):

  •  As in Life, He’s waiting for His Wife
  • He Never Checked the Freshness Date
  • Wanted a Honda Accord, Settled for a Chevy
  • Thought the Power Was Off
  • Outraged by Many Current Events but Can’t Really Spin
  • Wanted to be Close to the Expressway Where He Was Stuck Much of His Life 
  • Next Year – Ireland
  • Was Going to Have It Looked At
  • Ate, Drank and Was a Bit Too Merry
  • Would Have Smelled the Roses, If It Weren’t for Her Allergies
  • Is Still On Hold with the IRS
  • Wouldn’t Pay Anyone to Clean His Gutters
  • Sorry His Voicemail Was Always Full
  • Never Did Learn How to Work the Remote
  • Guesses that 70 Isn’t the New 50
  • Never Has to Hear ‘It Is What It Is’ Again
  • Didn’t Finish Paying Her Student Loans
  • Aspiring Actor – Excellent Waiter
  • Wished He Had Used All His Sick Days
  • Born in the Wrong Century for a Cubs Championship
  • Thought She Could Sing
  • Better than Sleeping with the Fishes
  • Took Algebra but Never Really Cared What X Was
  • Always Wanted to Own Property in Forest Park
  • It’s Quiet Here – Too Quiet
  • Guess Someone Else is Going to Have to Finish That Report
  • Trump? Really?
  • Still Against Video Gaming
  • Really Misses the Review
  • Besides these possibly made-up headstones, there is a unique one in Jewish Waldheim. Salamon De Zara, founder of Luna Carpets, has one with the company’s logo and the phone number 773-202-L-U-N-A. 

Death didn’t stop this salesman. 

Hey, that’s a good epitaph!

 John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.