Cemetery-touring season in Forest Park is in full swing. Memorial Day is right around the corner. So here are some of the colorful inscriptions you might come across (unless I imagined them):
- As in Life, He’s waiting for His Wife
- He Never Checked the Freshness Date
- Wanted a Honda Accord, Settled for a Chevy
- Thought the Power Was Off
- Outraged by Many Current Events but Can’t Really Spin
- Wanted to be Close to the Expressway Where He Was Stuck Much of His Life
- Next Year – Ireland
- Was Going to Have It Looked At
- Ate, Drank and Was a Bit Too Merry
- Would Have Smelled the Roses, If It Weren’t for Her Allergies
- Is Still On Hold with the IRS
- Wouldn’t Pay Anyone to Clean His Gutters
- Sorry His Voicemail Was Always Full
- Never Did Learn How to Work the Remote
- Guesses that 70 Isn’t the New 50
- Never Has to Hear ‘It Is What It Is’ Again
- Didn’t Finish Paying Her Student Loans
- Aspiring Actor – Excellent Waiter
- Wished He Had Used All His Sick Days
- Born in the Wrong Century for a Cubs Championship
- Thought She Could Sing
- Better than Sleeping with the Fishes
- Took Algebra but Never Really Cared What X Was
- Always Wanted to Own Property in Forest Park
- It’s Quiet Here – Too Quiet
- Guess Someone Else is Going to Have to Finish That Report
- Trump? Really?
- Still Against Video Gaming
- Really Misses the Review
- Besides these possibly made-up headstones, there is a unique one in Jewish Waldheim. Salamon De Zara, founder of Luna Carpets, has one with the company’s logo and the phone number 773-202-L-U-N-A.
Death didn’t stop this salesman.
Hey, that’s a good epitaph!
John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.