I wanted to hand in a fresh column this week but:

  • The dog ate my idea. 
  • Someone said it was nap time.
  • Had a pro-Trump piece ready to go until he threatened to ban bunnies because they carry ticks.
  • “Me and Bobbie McGee” is lodged in my brain from the Redmond concert. 
  • Still suffering from heatstroke and excess golf strokes suffered on Father’s Day.
  • Was robbed of two topics at gunpoint — one had to do with gun control. 
  • As my parish priest used to say, it is too hot for a sermon.
  • Had an urgent need to do some video gambling in Berwyn.
  • Realized I already wrote: “My sock drawer: a colorful overview.”
  • Can’t hear my thoughts over roar of the air conditioner.
  • Still hung over from celebrating Illinois Press Award.
  • Having a midlife crisis in which I suddenly hate words.
  • Have a rush detective assignment in Blue Island and also planning to take in the sights.
  • Paralyzed with shame over asking my kids to buy me Cubs tickets. 
  • My analyst has warned me to leave some thoughts unexpressed. 
  • Incapacitated by bad hair day. 
  • Brain being resurfaced as part of Madison Street project — currently in “Fresh Oil” stage.
  • Distracted by the radio playing one great song after another — oh wait, that’s my iPod. 
  • I’m not allowed to call in sick — even on a Monday.
  • I’m going back to school to study meteorology — promises high-paying positions for being right half the time.  
  • Busy trying on belt from Father’s Day — promised kids to stop wearing pants below the waist. 
  • Decided to make English my second language. 
  • Spend most of my waking hours deleting emails. 
  • Trying not to lower Review’s journalistic standards with pure gibberish. 

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.

John Rice

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.