As a certified silver-lining specialist, I was thinking of all the ways we can be grateful for the 2016 Election this Thanksgiving. This is challenging because, based on election returns, 85% of Forest Parkers were disappointed with the results. Nevertheless:
- We no longer have to hear about Hillary’s emails, the most boring political “scandal” in my lifetime.
- Now that the R-rated campaign is over, it’s safe to let kids watch TV again.
- The bar for becoming president has been permanently lowered. We don’t have to previously hold office or serve in the military. We can do and say outrageous things. Best of all, we don’t have to release our tax returns. I don’t know about you but I’m feeling overqualified for the job.
- We can again discuss getting rid of the electoral college. I don’t know much about it. Would that be like shutting down Trump University?
- Melania Trump will be the only First Lady that many Americans have seen in racy photos. I don’t remember Barbara Bush posing like that.
- The 600-day campaign might cause us to smarten up like other countries and limit presidential campaigns by law. In Mexico, it’s 147 days. Canada allows 78 days. In Japan, candidates only get 12 days.
- The election is already sparking ’60s-style activism and protests. But I think we should wait until the man does something unacceptable before we take to the streets.
- We finally realized we’re never going to have a woman president until we find someone qualified — really, really, really, really qualified.
- Candidates are no longer restricted by facts in making statements. This really helps the learning curve for candidates who don’t know facts in the first place.
- Personally, it’s freed up about four hours a day that I used to waste on cable news shows and radio talk shows.
- It’s also made my book that celebrates minorities, women and immigrants much more timely.
- We’ll get a shiny new wall on the Mexican border. We’ll also need one along the northern border, to keep Americans from escaping to Canada.
- Families that have red voters and blue voters can live together in purple harmony, as long as their faces don’t turn purple when they’re discussing politics.
- If we can survive electing a peanut farmer and a B-movie actor, we can survive anyone.
- We can look forward to reading the first State of the Union tweet.
- We can now write, “Have a nice flight back to Mexico” on a server’s check. How empowering.
- We’re no longer bound by political correctness, or common decency, in our discourse. That’s what I call free speech.
- We’re going to save $400,000 bucks on the presidential salary. That should pay for a few bricks in the wall.
- Conservatives won’t have Barack Obama to kick around anymore — in fact, they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.
- Economists are predicting a rise in alcohol consumption due to the election results, which should help Forest Park’s economy.
Hopefully, this will be the last election in which fake “volunteers” distribute bogus petitions in Forest Park. It’s one of the lowest political tricks I’ve seen, though brilliant in a way. A woman from Oak Lawn snookered me into signing one.
Presidents will come and go but we’ll remain united by the fact that we’re not really crazy about cranberries.
John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.