Dear Johnny:

I love my wife but sometimes she drives me crazy. When we’re getting ready to leave the house, she has to shut off lights, check the gas burners, and make sure the iron is unplugged. 

Meanwhile, I’ve got my coat on. I don’t yell, but I sigh a lot. Last week was the worst. We were running late and I found her re-hanging the toilet paper. Oh, and she leaves half-empty glasses of water all over the place. 

Tired of Waiting

Dear Tired:

I sympathize. Waiting is the most frustrating part of the human condition. You are obviously a wonderful husband for being so patient. In clinical terms, your wife is a “Slow Leaver.” 

People with this disorder suffer from insecurity, if everything isn’t “just-so” when they leave their home. In fact, one sufferer said that turning off lights, etc., formed “the foundation of her mental health.”

Slow leavers also have a fear of dehydration, which explains her keeping supplies of water close at hand. There’s no cure for this disorder. The fact that you only sigh shows that you’re some kind of saint.

Dear Johnny:

My husband is a wonderful man, except when it’s time to leave the house. He’s constantly rushing me, sighing and tinkling the car keys. Sometimes, he storms out and sits in the car. 

Last week, we had dinner reservations and he rushed out of the house, without his phone, glasses and wallet. With no GPS, we had trouble finding the restaurant. When we got there, he couldn’t read the menu and I had to pay the check. 

Did I mention he doesn’t replace toilet paper the right way? Oh, and he pours out my water before I get a chance to finish it.

Feeling Rushed

Dear Rushed:

Your husband obviously values punctuality. If it means, leaving a few essential items behind, it just shows he’s a decisive man of action, not a procrastinator. However, I am disturbed by his inability to replace the toilet paper correctly. This is an essential life lesson: “Over is right; under is wrong.”

I would show him the original patent for TP, from 1891, which has a diagram of how to do it correctly. As for his habit of tossing your water, your husband is obviously an optimist, who can’t stand to see a glass that is half-empty.

Dear Johnny:

Our 23-year-old son is a hard worker, who never causes trouble. His only fault is that stomps around the house when he walks. He weighs about 150 pounds, but sounds like a 300-pounder. He also slams doors. But, what really disturbs me, is when he slaps the leather couch. Why is he so noisy?

Easily Startled

Dear Startled:

Your son is obviously a “Stomper.” Experts say that stomping may be a sign that the person is angry, agitated and frustrated. Therapists can teach him to walk softly. Some stompers even learn to tiptoe. Door slammers are also expressing anger. It’s OK for your son to express negative emotions, but slapping the couch is unacceptable.

Dear Johnny:

I’m so sick of living with my parents. It’s no wonder I stomp and slam things. Last week, I stomped so hard, I spilled my mom’s water. They fight about the stupidest things, like replacing toilet paper. 

They can’t blame me for that one, because I never replace a roll. I used to slap the couch, until I hurt my hand. 


Dear Stuck:

I also have a 23-year-old son at home. Are you looking for a roommate?

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.

2 replies on “You have problems? ‘Ask Johnny’ has the answers”