Here are my predictions for my favorite season — fall:
- Analysts will worry about a dangerous drop in the country’s cinnamon reserves.
- Climate-change deniers will insist that “winter” is a hoax perpetrated by the mitten industry.
- Psychologists will be unable to explain the seasonal urge to wear orange.
- Sweet potatoes will be in a panic, while egg nog starts to worry.
- For safety reasons, kickoff returns will be eliminated from family football games.
- Sales of rakes will plummet, as more and more students are assigned to collect leaves.
- Hot air from politicians will keep our temperatures in the 60s.
- Human rights advocates will decry the historical roots of Thanksgiving as a celebration of genocide, while animal rights advocates will claim it’s a celebration of turkey-cide.
- Those who celebrate an extra hour of sleep when they “fall back” will complain when it’s getting dark right after lunch.
- More and more doctors will recommend the all-bratwurst diet because this time of year we need food that “sticks to our ribs.”
- The road that goes “over the river and through the woods” will be closed for construction.
- Canning will increase in popularity as more Americans tire of eating dry dog food.
- Tariffs on egg drop soup will cause more customers to order hot and sour.
- Many political candidates will be celebrating their election victories in Moscow.
- People who savor their pumpkin-flavored latte will discover that pumpkin spice doesn’t contain a trace of pumpkin.
- Yellow jackets will be looking forward to Oktoberfest celebrations.
- The scariest Halloween costume will be the “Ghost of High School Past.”
- The fashion industry will be touting their latest line of ugly sweaters.
- We will be missing summer. A sign at a local business sums it up: “Was it just me, or did June and July last five minutes?”
- The World Series will end just before they drop the puck for the Winter Classic.
- Wearing long underwear will once again be a fashion statement.
- With the sun at a low angle, drivers will wish they had cleaned their windshields.
- Election season will be down and dirty in Forest Park — and that’s just the lawn signs.
John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries. Jrice1038@aol.com
