For over a hundred years, the “Review” was a rectangle. Now it’s suddenly a square. I had no idea this would impact every aspect of my life.

The first thing I did was buy new threads. I not only stocked up on turtlenecks, I bought summer clothes. There’s nothing like the classic look of black knee socks with Birkenstocks. To further enhance my appearance, I asked my hairdresser to go short in front and the sides but to leave my hair long in back. I really miss my mullet and can’t wait to get that party started in the back. 

It was also time for a new set of wheels. Our Prius was getting great mileage but you can’t beat the look and feel of the Buick Regal. Plus, that baby can really burn rubber. It also has plenty of trunk space for bringing our new beanbag furniture back to the pad.

The whole vibe of our place is different, starting with the music. No more hip-hop or techno, Alexa only plays orchestral versions of classic rock songs. You haven’t rocked out, until you hear the Boston Pops play “Gimme Shelter.”

We also put the kibosh on cable TV. I was tired of watching indie films, cutting edge documentaries and French cinema. We went back to the rabbit ears. As long as we can get re-runs of Frazier and Friends, I’m tickled. 

We also stopped ordering gourmet dinner kits and went back to the basics. Instead of preparing dinners with fresh seafood and vegetables, we bought Chef Boyardee Pizza kits. Who knew that such authentic Italian flavor could come from a box? We also stocked up on canned vegetables and other treats we missed. Have you tasted Manwich lately?

Our lives were so copacetic, we stopped buying pricey cups of coffee. Can you believe they’re still making Ovaltine? There’s nothing like sipping a cup, while catching up on the latest issue of “Reader’s Digest.” We also renewed our subscription to “TV Guide.” 

We still have our AOL email account. Can you believe it’s free now? We traded in our smartphones for the flip kind. They came with belt clips. Now when we’re on the horn, we don’t have to worry about taking pictures of our ears. 

Our place is no longer Dullsville. We host Tupperware parties and I still play a mean game of Pong. We don’t serve those fancy craft beers anymore. There’s nothing like the timeless taste of Hamm’s. All we need now is to win our prize from Publisher’s Clearing House and we can buy all the Amway products we ever wanted.  

We also enjoy the activities Forest Park offers, although Bingo is a little rich for our blood. We’re thinking of trying Pickleball but only if helmets are included. If they ever bring back square dancing, I’m down with it. We’re more than content to simply stroll to our local restaurants. Our favorite place makes a mean egg salad sandwich. 

I’m not sure how the change in shape is going to affect the “Review.” But in the immortal words of Huey Lewis and The News, “It’s hip to be square.” 

John Rice

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.