One of the benefits of the pandemic is that we’ve become more health conscious, not to mention more hygienic. So I’ve been thinking a lot about TV commercials for medications. Here is my vote for pharmaceutical products to put on the market:  

Confusion-gone – a medication that helps patients make sense of the pandemic. Consumers can suddenly comprehend all of the contradictory information and understand the ever-changing guidelines. Patients taking Confusion-gone will become self-proclaimed medical experts, lecturing everyone on social distancing, mask-wearing and the dangers of slow dancing. Caution: Confusion-gone has serious side-effects, like know-it-all-ism.  

Phokiss – Are you easily distracted? Do you lack knowledge because you didn’t pay attention in school? Do you need more wisdom and insight? Phokiss activates the 90% of our brain that we’re not using. Patients taking Phokiss will develop in-depth understanding of just about everything, including the metric system. Users will even remember their usernames and passwords. They will be anxious to share their knowledge with others. Warning: Patients should decrease their Phokiss dosage if they suffer a sudden loss of friends, or if family members fake temporary deafness. 

Knumb – Are chronic aches and pains making your life miserable? It only takes two little pills to end that suffering. Patients taking Knumb will lose all unpleasant sensations, along with some pleasant ones. Feel like you’re literally walking on air. Warning: Patients taking Knumb should avoid hot surfaces. They also shouldn’t get too comfortable during Polar Plunges.

Sublyme – Are you an angry political partisan? Do you alienate family and friends with your harsh rhetoric? Sublyme activates your synapses, solidifying the connection between your right brain and left brain. You’ll begin sentences with, “I really liked what Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow had to say last night.” You’ll become a member of the NRA and join Greenpeace. Warning: Patients should discontinue Sublyme if they embrace every cause being espoused by people who shop at Whole Foods. 

Wowie-Dowie – Do you suffer from unexpected moments of intimacy with your partner? Are the two of you working on taxes, arguing over the thermostat setting, or complaining about tracked-in mud when suddenly your eyes lock? Named for the favorite expression of the manufacturer’s mother-in-law, Wowie-Dowie will suddenly make you want to soak in side-by-side bathtubs. Warning: If the effects of Wowie-Dowie last more than four hours, patients should check to see if their partner is having suicidal thoughts. Patients should stop taking Wowie-Dowie before shopping for side-by-side bathtubs.

Rosevision – Are you a crabby pessimist always complaining about something? Do your co-workers shun you because you won’t stop carping about the copy machine? Rosevision, taken on a regular basis will turn you into a silver-lining expert. Patients taking Rosevision will find they are suddenly popular and everyone will be attracted by their sunny disposition. Warning: Decrease your dosage if you start thinking red light cameras are a good idea. 

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.