I don’t know about you but I really miss Confession. Here are some sins I want to get off my chest:
I call people back without first listening to their voice mails.
I’m too lazy to change the subject lines on emails. I’m still using “Merry Christmas!” with one of my friends.
I have forgotten the names of everyone I know, including some members of my immediate family.
I block intersections, even when the sign says “Do Not Block Intersection.”
I use alleys to avoid main streets, even when the sign says “No Thru Traffic.”
I have been seen in public carrying groceries in a plastic bag.
I am single-handedly killing forests by using an excessive number of paper towels.
I sometimes read newspapers online, thus causing their financial ruin.
When someone lets me into traffic, I don’t always wave.
I received a speeding ticket for going 30 mph in a school zone. It was dark out and I didn’t see any students but the officer claimed that some preschoolers are taking night classes.
I have gotten into the express checkout lane with as many as 27 items.
I have thrown gum on the sidewalk, expecting the Gum Fairies to scrape it up.
I have honked at people to turn right, even when the sign says “Right Turn on Arrow.”
I have failed to fill out customer service surveys, even after I told the clerk I would do so.
I have marked “Yes” to lengthy Agreements, without reading them.
I have filled free plastic water cups with iced tea.
I smile and nod, when I have no idea what the person just said.
When the server is describing that night’s specials, I only pretend to listen.
My internal dialogue is mostly profanity.
I call people when I should have emailed them.
I email people when I should have texted them.
I have Facebook “friends,” but have no idea who they are.
I have beaten several jokes to death.
I have never watered a plant.
Sometimes I can’t wait for someone to finish their story, so I can tell mine.
Even when the sign says “2 Hour Parking This Block” I have parked for more than two hours.
When people ask me how I’m doin’, I neglect to ask them back.
There. I feel much better. For my Penance, I will make three right-turn on reds at Harlem & Cermak.
