I don’t know about you but I really miss Confession. Here are some sins I want to get off my chest:

I call people back without first listening to their voice mails.

I’m too lazy to change the subject lines on emails. I’m still using “Merry Christmas!” with one of my friends.

I have forgotten the names of everyone I know, including some members of my immediate family.

I block intersections, even when the sign says “Do Not Block Intersection.”

I use alleys to avoid main streets, even when the sign says “No Thru Traffic.”

I have been seen in public carrying groceries in a plastic bag.

I am single-handedly killing forests by using an excessive number of paper towels.

I sometimes read newspapers online, thus causing their financial ruin.

When someone lets me into traffic, I don’t always wave.

I received a speeding ticket for going 30 mph in a school zone. It was dark out and I didn’t see any students but the officer claimed that some preschoolers are taking night classes.

I have gotten into the express checkout lane with as many as 27 items. 

I have thrown gum on the sidewalk, expecting the Gum Fairies to scrape it up.

I have honked at people to turn right, even when the sign says “Right Turn on Arrow.”

I have failed to fill out customer service surveys, even after I told the clerk I would do so.

I have marked “Yes” to lengthy Agreements, without reading them. 

I have filled free plastic water cups with iced tea. 

I smile and nod, when I have no idea what the person just said.

When the server is describing that night’s specials, I only pretend to listen. 

My internal dialogue is mostly profanity.

I call people when I should have emailed them.

I email people when I should have texted them.

I have Facebook “friends,” but have no idea who they are. 

I have beaten several jokes to death. 

I have never watered a plant. 

Sometimes I can’t wait for someone to finish their story, so I can tell mine. 

Even when the sign says “2 Hour Parking This Block” I have parked for more than two hours. 

When people ask me how I’m doin’, I neglect to ask them back. 

There. I feel much better. For my Penance, I will make three right-turn on reds at Harlem & Cermak. 

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.