I’m finished with composing columns. From now on, I’m using my Artificial Intelligence app to come up with creative ideas. Here is my first AI column:
Last week, I couldn’t take it anymore. There is construction everywhere in Forest Park. To escape the commotion, I headed to my favorite restaurant/bar.
“Greetings regular customer,” said the bartender. “How are you doing?”
“I cannot answer your question until I have consumed a fermented beverage.”
“Here you go,” placing a glass in front of me. “So what is the problem?”
“There is construction everywhere,” I complained. “They finally finished fixing Desplaines Avenue. Now they’ve torn up Roosevelt Road. Worse, they are excavating the street in front of my house.”
“Don’t you understand the village is trying to improve our infrastructure? After they replace the aging water pipes, you will be grateful for the stronger water pressure.”
“Yes, but their earth-moving machines are giving me a headache. All day long, they are digging and beeping.”
“Is that all that is bothering you?”
“No, two doors down, they are tearing down an old coach house. The noise isn’t bad but soon they will build a new house. I will be bothered by whining saws and the tap-tap-tap of hammers.”
“Once again, you should be thankful that people are investing in our community. New construction shows the village’s future is bright.”
“Say, what is this song that is playing? It sounds like that quartet from Liverpool but I don’t recall this being in their catalog.”
“This is their new song,” the bartender said excitedly. “They took a snippet of voice from one of the deceased members, John I think, and used AI to create a brand new recording.”
“Yes, I heard they had a new song coming out. A member named Paul described it as, ‘Kind of scary but exciting.’”
“This will save rock bands so much work. Of course, they will still have to party excessively.”
“Speaking of partying, I’ll have one more fermented beverage. The workers should cease their activity by 3:00.”
(Setting another glass down) “Say, have you read Tolstoy’s new novel? It’s titled “The War and Peace of Anna Karenina.”
“No, but I’ve heard they have already casted the movie. It will star Charlie Chaplin and Judy Garland as the star-crossed lovers.”
“Can you imagine the possibilities with AI? Kids won’t have to write papers anymore. We won’t need writers for Hollywood scripts. I mean who needs human creativity and imagination?”
“You’re right, all that energy we used to waste composing music, writing novels and painting masterpieces. We can spend our time playing Pickleball instead.”
“Is there anything else bothering you besides the construction noise?”
“No, I just had to vent my negative feelings. When it’s noisy, I used to complain, ‘I can’t hear myself think.’ Now I don’t have to do that thinking thing anymore.”
“That’s right. By the way, you came here at the right time.”
“Why is that?”
“Oh, the A.I.P. usually stops by at 4:00 and I don’t want him bothering my regulars.”
“What! We have Artificial Intelligence People?”
“No, that’s the legal term we use for the local drunk — the Alleged Intoxicated Person.”
