Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned

Opinion: Columns

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By John Rice

Columnist / Staff reporter

I don't know about you, but I really miss Confession. Here are some sins I want to get off my chest:

  • I call people back without first listening to their voice mails.
  • I'm too lazy to change the subject lines on emails. I'm still using "Merry Christmas!" with one of my friends.
  • I forget the names of everyone I know, including some members of my immediate family.
  • I block intersections, even when the sign clearly says, "Do Not Block Intersection."
  • I use alleys to avoid main streets, even when the sign clearly says, "No Thru Traffic."
  • I have been seen in public carrying groceries in a plastic bag.
  • I am single-handedly killing forests by using an excessive number of paper towels.
  • I sometimes read newspapers online, thus causing their financial ruin.
  • When someone lets me into traffic, I don't always wave.
  • I received a speeding ticket for going 30 mph in a school zone. It was dark out and I didn't see any students, but the officer claimed that some preschoolers are taking night classes.
  • I have gotten into the express checkout lane with as many as 27 items. 
  • I have thrown gum on the sidewalk, expecting the Gum Fairies to scrape it up.
  • I have honked at people to turn right, even when the sign says "Right Turn on Arrow Only."
  • I have failed to fill out customer service surveys, even after I told the clerk I would do so.
  • I have marked "Yes, I Accept" to lengthy Agreements, without reading them. 
  • I have filled free plastic water cups with iced tea. 
  • I smile and nod, when I have no idea what the person just said.
  • When the server is describing that night's specials, I only pretend to listen. 
  • My internal dialogue is filled with profanity.
  • I call people when I should have emailed them.
  • I email people when I should have texted them.
  • I have Facebook "friends" but have no idea who they are. 
  • I have beaten several jokes to death. 
  • I have never watered a plant. 
  • Sometimes I can't wait for someone to finish their story, so I can tell mine. 
  • Even when the sign says "2 Hour Parking This Block," I have parked for more than two hours. 
  • When people ask me how I'm doin', I neglect to ask them back. 

There … I feel much better. For my Penance, I will make three right-turns on red at Harlem & Cermak. 

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.

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