By John Rice
I don't know about you, but I really miss Confession. Here are some sins I want to get off my chest:
- I call people back without first listening to their voice mails.
- I'm too lazy to change the subject lines on emails. I'm still using "Merry Christmas!" with one of my friends.
- I forget the names of everyone I know, including some members of my immediate family.
- I block intersections, even when the sign clearly says, "Do Not Block Intersection."
- I use alleys to avoid main streets, even when the sign clearly says, "No Thru Traffic."
- I have been seen in public carrying groceries in a plastic bag.
- I am single-handedly killing forests by using an excessive number of paper towels.
- I sometimes read newspapers online, thus causing their financial ruin.
- When someone lets me into traffic, I don't always wave.
- I received a speeding ticket for going 30 mph in a school zone. It was dark out and I didn't see any students, but the officer claimed that some preschoolers are taking night classes.
- I have gotten into the express checkout lane with as many as 27 items.
- I have thrown gum on the sidewalk, expecting the Gum Fairies to scrape it up.
- I have honked at people to turn right, even when the sign says "Right Turn on Arrow Only."
- I have failed to fill out customer service surveys, even after I told the clerk I would do so.
- I have marked "Yes, I Accept" to lengthy Agreements, without reading them.
- I have filled free plastic water cups with iced tea.
- I smile and nod, when I have no idea what the person just said.
- When the server is describing that night's specials, I only pretend to listen.
- My internal dialogue is filled with profanity.
- I call people when I should have emailed them.
- I email people when I should have texted them.
- I have Facebook "friends" but have no idea who they are.
- I have beaten several jokes to death.
- I have never watered a plant.
- Sometimes I can't wait for someone to finish their story, so I can tell mine.
- Even when the sign says "2 Hour Parking This Block," I have parked for more than two hours.
- When people ask me how I'm doin', I neglect to ask them back.
There … I feel much better. For my Penance, I will make three right-turns on red at Harlem & Cermak.
John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries. Jrice1038@aol.com