Before the fall: Autumn predictions

Opinion: Columns

Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Print

By John Rice

Columnist / Staff reporter

Here are my predictions for my favorite season — fall:

  • Analysts will worry about a dangerous drop in the country's cinnamon reserves.
  • Climate-change deniers will insist that "winter" is a hoax perpetrated by the mitten industry. 
  • Psychologists will be unable to explain the seasonal urge to wear orange.
  • Sweet potatoes will be in a panic, while egg nog starts to worry.
  • For safety reasons, kickoff returns will be eliminated from family football games.
  • Sales of rakes will plummet, as more and more students are assigned to collect leaves. 
  • Hot air from politicians will keep our temperatures in the 60s. 
  • Human rights advocates will decry the historical roots of Thanksgiving as a celebration of genocide, while animal rights advocates will claim it's a celebration of turkey-cide.
  • Those who celebrate an extra hour of sleep when they "fall back" will complain when it's getting dark right after lunch.
  • More and more doctors will recommend the all-bratwurst diet because this time of year we need food that "sticks to our ribs." 
  • The road that goes "over the river and through the woods" will be closed for construction. 
  • Canning will increase in popularity as more Americans tire of eating dry dog food. 
  • Tariffs on egg drop soup will cause more customers to order hot and sour. 
  • Many political candidates will be celebrating their election victories in Moscow.  
  • People who savor their pumpkin-flavored latte will discover that pumpkin spice doesn't contain a trace of pumpkin.
  • Yellow jackets will be looking forward to Oktoberfest celebrations. 
  • The scariest Halloween costume will be the "Ghost of High School Past."
  • The fashion industry will be touting their latest line of ugly sweaters.
  • We will be missing summer. A sign at a local business sums it up: "Was it just me, or did June and July last five minutes?"
  • The World Series will end just before they drop the puck for the Winter Classic.
  • Wearing long underwear will once again be a fashion statement.
  • With the sun at a low angle, drivers will wish they had cleaned their windshields.
  • Election season will be down and dirty in Forest Park — and that's just the lawn signs.

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries. Jrice1038@aol.com

Reader Comments

No Comments - Add Your Comment

Note: This page requires you to login with Facebook to comment.

Comment Policy

Facebook Connect

Quick Links

Sign-up to get the latest news updates for Forest Park.


            
SubscribeClassified
MultimediaContact us
Submit Letter To The Editor
Place a Classified Ad

Classified Ad

Latest Comments