Finding the perfect gift falls into the category of “five minutes ago.” However, finding the perfect gift card will qualify you for the savvy “now” crowd that has neither time to shop, wrap presents, nor intentions to pay sales tax. Get your American Express ready and heed the words of my pre-historic girlfriends, Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone: charge it!

For my health challenged friends I gift card you with the 3600 pack. Redeem the 3600 gift card at any local YMCA, Bally’s, or D.K.W. Fitness. Within any 365 day period, you possess a free pass to perform a combination of 3,600 push ups, sit ups, or laps around the running track. The extra benefit of the 3600 health pack gift card revolves around the one year expiration date. You now have the flexibility to combine it with the thoughtful present I gave you last year, the “No Second Helpings or Dessert” gift card. No need to thank me, darling! After all, it is truly better to give than to receive!

An experienced gift card shopper like me realizes that a few unexpected, uninvited guests will typically stop by during the holidays. As a result, I am compelled to pick up a few extra stocking stuffers to hand out when the situation arises. Hmmm … let’s see. A few “Thank You for Keeping Your Opinions to Yourself” gift cards are on sale. Bless the retail specialist who came up with the “When Did This Become My Problem” gift card. For those with the gift of conversation, I gift card you with the “It’s OK If You Don’t Talk Right Now” deluxe set. They even brought back the classic “No In-law Visits During the Holiday” gift card twin pack. One card covers January thru June. The matching gift card handles July thru December. Nothing like the gift that keeps on giving.

No one will ever be able to accuse me of going cheap for the perfect gift card. I can shop in the priceless aisle with the best of them. Check out the “I Share Because I Care” gift card. Not to be out done, I have also splurged on the “Hug Your Child” and “Smile If It Feels Good” gift cards. Of course I understand that expensive (and truthful) doesn’t always translate into classy. For this reason I will be avoiding the “Save the Drama for Your Mama” gift card. I will also pass on the “They’re Actually My Sister’s Kids” and “Turn on the Fan When Your Finished” gift cards. Although the “No Global Warming” gift card would serve a more noble and international purpose, I have opted for the “No Stupidity Zone” gift card this year. As you can tell, I do it all out of love.

Realizing that most gifts will be exchanged, discarded, or re-packaged/re-gifted, I feel no shame in heading straight to Gift Card City. It’s the thought that counts. So I am counting on you to think of the perfect gift card to give your friend, foe, spouse, sibling, co-worker, or mother-in-law. Be thankful for the invention and expansion of the gift card offering. These handy faux credit cards represent the new millennium’s alternative to the traditional Christmas fruit cake. So enjoy the holiday season and the post holiday gift card spending spree. Finally and most importantly, I pray that everyone receives a “You Need Jesus” gift card in their own stocking.