Got a piece of foodie junk mail earlier this year. Seems the Slow Food organization wants me to help save the “heirloom turkey.”
“Similar to the ubiquitous heirloom tomatoes, there are old-fashioned varieties of the turkey still raised in the United States. But, they’re close to extinction because the farmers can’t generate enough interest to continue raising them for commercial use. The cost is $3.50 per pound, which includes shipping.
If you are interested in an American Bronze turkey for Thanksgiving this year, you have to place your order with Slow Food by April 1.”
Does anyone else think this sounds disturbingly like the Sally Struthers thing wherein you adopt a child and then receive a photo and a letter once a month, detailing his progress and thanking you for your support?
Budder Farm
May 7, 2013
Dear Family,
Thank you for adopting me! I have received extra corn already, and they tell me that I’ll get to meet you when I’m big enough. I’m very excited. It’s a very proud day for me, to be sponsored by a real family. I hope you’re savoring thoughts of our first meeting as much as I am!
Gratefully,
Tom
Budder Farm
June 18, 2013
Dear Family,
Soon I’ll be starting my exercise program, so that should help me grow up big faster. Lot of chest flies for the pecs, and I have to run some of this fat off my thighs. I’m up to 3.57 pounds! Look out Big Bird, here I come, ha-ha!
(My trainer tells me if I don’t work hard enough, he’ll put me in the stocks! I know he’s joking, but I’m still motivated.)
Growing,
Tom
BF – July 24, 2013
Dear Family:
Happy summer! The weather here is beautiful; sunny every day, lots of bugs to eat — I know, I know, TMI — and the gentle perfume of the neighbor’s barbecue on the breeze — hardwood charcoal and something succulent I can’t quite put my finger on.
I swear, if I God forbid died right now, heaven’d smell like hickory smoke. (But don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere for a long time, thanks to your generosity!)
Love,
Tom
BF – August 14
I’m at camp!
Well, sorta. They let us spend all out time outside these days, ’cause it’s sooooooo nice out. All the fresh air and exercise, I’m really growing up fast — 9.84 pounds as of this morning! My wattle’s starting to fill out, too! (One of the counselors told me that nothing is as important to my future as strong bones and big muscles, and the rest is just gravy, but still, I’m excited.)
Love,
Tom
BF-9/20
Dear Family,
I got sunburned at camp, so I have to stay inside for a while. Don’t worry, It’s not serious. My skin got a little crispy, is all. It’ll turn tan in a day or two. My family’s always had good skin — everybody thought it was our best feature!
Next time, I’ll remember to put some of that oil on so I don’t burn!
Love,
Tom
BF-10/5
Dear Family,
Another major step for Tom! I have a girlfriend! She’s beautiful and exotic — her family’s name is Tetrazzito or something like that — and when I asked her to the end-of-summer dance she said yes! We had a great time at the Budder Ball, and hung out in the loft with a bunch of friends for hours afterwards.
High Point: My buddy slipped at one point, and fell out of the loft, and landed upside-down at the bottom of the ladder, half-buried in the straw. Funniest thing I ever saw.
Love,
T
November 19
I GOT THE NEWS TODAY! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I GET TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE! I’m very excited to finally meet you and to be a part of your family’s holiday! I’ve always wanted to have a big old-fashioned family Thanksgiving! I’ll bring the wine, but I need to match it with the food. What are we going to have?
Love,
Tom
PS- Sorry for the sloppy handwriting on this, but I’m just so excited I had to knock out a quick note before I go to my first appointment with the chiropractor. Nothing serious, my regular doctor is just sending me for a neck adjustment. He said it would be quick and painless, and that’s all I needed to hear! See you soon!
T
