I picked up my village of Forest Park 2022 Information Calendar just in time to make my predictions for the coming year:

Art lovers who attended the Immersive Van Gogh Exhibit will spend 2022 getting the paint stains out of their clothes.

On January 6th, celebration of Armenian Christmas will go off without a hitch, but the British will commemorate the War of 1812 by burning down the White House — again.

Blizzards will batter the Bahamas, while tourists bask on the balmy beaches of Alaska.

Groundhog Day festivities will be cancelled as many Americans feel like they celebrate it on a daily basis.

U2 will be the first band to be booked for the Altenheim concert venue. Residents of The Grove can’t wait.

Due to the complete collapse of the phone system, we’ll have to continue to dial the Area Code when making local calls.

The Association of Gas Station Owners issues a statement: “Customers who ask the price per gallon probably can’t afford it.”

There will be record low turnout for mid-term elections as most voters can’t produce their fourth grade report cards to prove they’re eligible.

The “War on Easter” will continue as most people refuse to say “Merry Easter” because it sounds stupid.

The race for the vacant seat on the Library Board of Trustees will become the most expensive in village history when a candidate buys pastries for the entire village council.

Valentine’s Day will be a bust because couples find it uncomfortable to make out while wearing masks.

An updated world map will show that Greenland is now smaller than Iceland.

Ribfest at the Picnic Grove will coincide with a full moon. Many suspect this was deliberately planned.

Many sports teams will have to change their names, either because they’re offensive, or make no sense, like the Utah Jazz. Red Nichols was the only jazz icon from the Beehive State and he died in 1965.

Travelers will have as much chance of reaching their destinations as Truman Burbank’s plan to go to Fiji.

The Major League Baseball season will be cancelled by the owner’s lockdown. This will be especially painful for White Sox fans, who recall they also had a good team when they cancelled the season in 1994.

Higher Ground Productions, founded by the Obamas, will begin filming the historical drama, The Ghost of Cleopatra on location in the Walmart parking lot.

A polar vortex will cause indoor snow for village residents with antiquated windows.

Schauer’s Hardware will sell wheelbarrows for transporting cash to the grocery store. They have four different models, depending on how hungry you are.

Village residents will still be grateful for small-town charm but have mixed feelings about big-city access.

Movie theaters will be more convenient than ever with their new, “What time can you get here?” policy for patrons.

Ever-changing rules for combating the pandemic will leave just about everyone confused.

The Chicago Bulls will win the NBA championship but lose an exhibition game to the Chicago Sky.

Although hundreds of newspapers folded in 2021, the Review will continue to thrive thanks to donations from generous readers. They can also make individual cash donations to columnists they meet on the street.

John Rice

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.