We tend to put our best foot forward on Facebook. But here are some things you shouldn’t post:
- Our mugshot, after we’ve been arrested for running naked around our ex’s condo.
- High school yearbook picture where we showed off our killer sideburns.
- Photos from our second week at the Motel 6 in Muncie, Indiana.
- Any photos of us taken before we’ve had our morning coffee.
- Video of us literally crying over spilled milk.
- Written instructions for stealing our catalytic converter.
- Pictures of us standing in front of our workplace (in case process servers are having trouble finding us).
- The blog we wrote describing our colonoscopy.
- Nostalgic photo of what an office used to look like.
- All the photos from our trip to Branson, Missouri, where we were shocked by the performers who are still alive.
- Video of us texting while we take tight turns on Lower Wacker Drive.
- Video of us drinking directly from the milk container.
- Photo of our cellphone at the bottom of the bathtub we just filled.
- Nostalgic photo of what a classroom used to look like.
- Photo of the coffee stain that looks like the Virgin Mary, crying.
- Our annual family portrait taken at Thornton’s gas station.
- Photo of the time we snuck our garbage into our neighbor’s container.
- Video of us dropping an entire Happy Meal on someone’s front lawn.
- Our date of birth, Social Security number and PIN numbers after betting that no one will actually steal our identity.
- That selfie we took in the holding cell.
- Any video of me swinging a golf club.
- Any footage of us dancing at a wedding reception.
- Our third-grade report card with all of those “Unsatisfactory” check marks.
- Any photos taken of us during the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s — especially the ’80s.
- Video of our failure to touch our nose during the field sobriety test.
- Group photo of our family’s Easter brunch at White Castle.
- Video of our rant at the T-ball game insisting our 5-year-old grandson was safe at first.
- Photo showing the bottle of hair dye we’re planning to use in faking our death.
- Photo of us wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe because we got dressed in the dark.
- Our rap sheet, which includes a murder conviction for beating this joke to death.
