I came across an article with a “Tribune” disturbing headline: “Poll: Democracy failing its promise.” It says the majority of Americans believe our laws and policies do a poor job of representing what we want. Here are a few that disturb them:

Now that Florida schools are teaching students the “benefits” of slavery, including the valuable skills slaves learned, descendants of slave owners are demanding reparations for all that free on-the-job-training.

Increasing vehicle mileage standards have been declared unconstitutional, freeing auto manufacturers to bring back leaded gas, whitewall tires and large tail fins. 

Supreme Court declares owners of non-existent businesses can refuse service to non-existent gay couples. Owners of non-existent businesses applaud the decision, while non-existent gay couples could not be reached for comment.

The EPA discovers a wall of window fans lining the Canadian border blowing wood smoke toward America. U.S. demands all extensions cords be disconnected and the 5,000-mile-long power strip be unplugged. 

Popular books are being banned across America. This includes To Kill a Mockingbird because the title suggests animal cruelty. 

Americans who are still using AOL are being targeted by political campaigns to make donations. AOL users see this as discriminatory toward people who are hopelessly behind the times. 

Migrants are complaining about being flown to Martha’s Vineyard because it’s almost impossible to make tee times or dinner reservations. 

Many Americans do not “believe” in climate change, despite the blizzards that are hitting Hawaii and the spring-break revelers who are overrunning Antarctica.

The National Weather Service is absolving TV meteorologists for getting forecasts wrong, exaggerating weather events, and unnecessarily scaring viewers. 

In a startling decision, Washington agrees to let the Confederacy secede peacefully this time. It is believed that establishing diplomatic relations with Richmond will lead to Northerners and Southerners getting along better than they are now. 

In a blow for geographic common sense, individual oceans will no longer have names. They will just be called “The Ocean.” Geographers have given up on solving the whole “Indian” problem that Columbus started. 

There are some Americans who believe they have a “monopoly on reality.” We look forward to their lectures at holiday parties. 

There has been a successful boycott of Bud Light for featuring a transgender influencer. There will soon be a boycott against “Barbie” for sending an empowering message to women. However, the boycott against guns is not going well. 

Since democracy is no longer working, Americans long for the day when we were ruled by a foreign monarch. So far, no authoritarian regimes are willing to take us on as a colony. 

Now that affirmative action has been declared unconstitutional, minorities will have a tougher time getting admitted to institutions of higher learning, like the Electoral College. 

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.