Two baby girls were recently born to our neighbors. Here is a primer for first-time parents, explaining the stages of childhood:
Stationary: During the first six months, your baby can’t move very far under its own power. So if you’re looking for your baby, always check the place where you last saw them. Babies can also be very demanding. They will cry in the middle of the night. It’s best for one parent to pretend they’re still asleep because the parent who moves first loses.
Horizontal: As the child grows, they begin to crawl. Now if you set the baby down, it might be gone when you get back. But unless the child is wearing corduroy pants, they won’t be able to travel more than a block or so. Parents should install baby gates to block doorways, etc. This is also good for adults practicing the high hurdles.
Vertical: After about a year, the child gets tired of crawling and learns how to stand on their own two feet. Vertical children are prone to mishaps. They make sudden returns to the horizontal stage, resulting in “owies.” Parents can be over-protective but toddlers need to learn why they have butts.
Cruising: This is an intermediate stage between crawling and walking. The toddler will move around by holding onto furniture. Sometimes, they will stand up suddenly and bump their heads. This problem persists into adulthood.
Verbal: The child next enters the verbal stage. Their entire vocabulary consists of demands and refusals. When they’re not demanding a treat, they’re refusing to sit in their car seat. Parents may be tempted to call for police backup but even cops will not risk injury having contact with a 2-year-old. By the way, whenever you say “no,” their automatic response will be “why?” Get used to it.
School: Your child will reach a stage when they will stop demanding and refusing at home and will instead chatter away in a classroom. Remember, if your child isn’t home, chances are they’re at school. Try to learn their schedule.
Social: At school, your child is bound to meet other childrenand sooner or later bring some of them home. Hide your valuables and breakables before they come over. And never allow a child into your house if they’re carrying their own hammer, saw or felt-tip marker.
Sullen: After years of being happy and carefree, your child may become sullen. The warning signs are a pouty expression and constant complaints about being bored. Do not have any unnecessary contact with the sullen child and don’t offer solutions to their boredom. Make them do household chores. This will cure their boredom and the kitchen will be clean.
Defiant: After years of being passive during their sullen stage, the child will exert their will. Demands and refusals will fly faster than leaves on a windy day. Parents should avoid physical confrontations during this stage. Especially if their child is more vertical than they are. For example, do not try to force them to go to their room. Even SWAT teams have suffered unacceptable losses trying to get children to go to their room.
Instead of confrontation, parents should try reason and compromise. For example, “Yes you can have a drum set, as long as you make a living at it.” Or “I don’t mind if you get your tongue pierced, as long as you never again open your mouth in my presence.”
With these kinds of firm guidelines, there will be mutual respect between parent and child.
They will even become your friend and help you re-set your passwords.
