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Obama accused Romney of murderous business practices, while a Romney supporter berated the president’s ghost in an empty chair. On Halloween, Forest Park conservative Paul Barbahen and I express our deepest fears about the outcome of this scary election.

P: Obama orders all federal construction projects to incorporate Greek columns, so when we become Greece, we’ll look the part.

J: Under Romney, the DEA will ban coffee as a controlled substance.

P: President fronts Al Green tribute band on weekends, needing extra cash to pay his own increased tax bill.

J: Romney’s election gives hope to millions of white men that they too could become president.

P: Changes national motto from “In God We Trust” to “It’s Bush’s Fault.”

J: After loss of federal funding, PBS abandons programming for round-the-clock pledge drives. Big Bird files for unemployment.

P: Obama performs first public miracle by resurrecting Keith Olbermann from the dead.

J: Roof-carriers for dogs explode in popularity.

P: Lincoln statue removed from Memorial and replaced by Chris Matthews statue with a real tingling leg. Visitors allowed to sit on the tingling leg for one minute.

J: Romney’s tax plan enables many Americans to rise from serfdom to become indentured servants.

P: Sticking to his campaign ground rules, Obama only holds press conferences at the Nickelodeon studios. Press credentials limited to grammar school reporters, with five-word questions.

J: During Florida recount, VP Ryan finds another exception for allowing abortion: pregnant chads.

P: Obama revamps cabinet and staff, with Beyonce replacing Hillary as Secretary of State, Joy Behar as new press secretary, and Bill Maher named National Poet Laureate.

J: Romney christens the USS Bayonet, describing it as a ship that planes can land on.

P: Obama assigns individual
Secret Service agents to guard each of
his Teleprompters.

J: Romney revives his dad’s old car company, American Motors, confident that consumers will once again embrace the Pacer.

P: Obama starts selling red states to China to offset trade deficit.

J: At his inaugural, Romney reiterates his support for 53% of the population.

P: Jimmy Carter rejoices at re-election, as Obama does more to make him look good than Carter could ever do himself.

J: Even as he dismantles “Obamacare” Romney pledges continued coverage for sufferers of “Romnesia.”

P: Mandatory side of broccoli required at all public eating establishments, coupled with forced membership in the “clean plate club.”

J: Romney supporters disappointed they’ll have to deport themselves if they want more than one wife.

P: During his State of the Union address, delivered at Nickelodeon studios, Obama proclaims that all Superbowls must end in a tie.

J: In sweeping economic reforms, calls to White House are re-routed through a phone bank in India, Social Security funds are shifted to an account in the Caymans and tax loopholes are closed for car elevators and horse dressage.