When I was growing up, I was taught that America was a special country because we had a strong middle class and a democratic form of government. Now, as I watch the middle class being destroyed and government for sale, I’m no longer surprised by disturbing developments in the land of the free.

In landmark “Citizens v. Election Board” case, Supreme Court rules that only Americans registered in Delaware and offering public shares of stock can vote. 

Voluntary Incarceration Program (VIP) increasingly popular with Americans seeking three squares a day.

Workers with college degrees demanding more dignified fast food uniforms.

Many Americans strapping all their possessions to their cars and heading to California to see if they still need help picking grapes.

Controversial sidewalk cameras ticket pedestrians who exceed 3 MPH limit near parks and schools. 

Attracted by chiropractic benefits, more Americans finding work as foot stools.

Survey shows half the population on government subsistence, watching big screen TV’s and hiding from the sheriff.

Shoppers flocking to new “Tatters” clothing stores offering pre-worn clothes at bargain prices. 

President Obama takes executive action to stop lenders from twirling their moustaches while they discuss mortgage modifications with borrowers.

After calculating cubic feet consumed per capita, Cook County Commissioners consider taxing air.

Powdered wigs making surprising comeback. 

Increasing number of developers tearing down little green houses to build big red hotels charging insane rates.

Do-nothing lawmakers in Washington remind Americans that we have a government of checks and checks. 

Shares of Hamburger Helper skyrocketing.  

Forest Park father with teenage daughters too busy babysitting Hinsdale kids to watch their toddler brother decides he’s officially a peasant. 

At music stores across the country, big run on banjos, harmonicas and washboards. 

“Leftovers” restaurant chain catering to budget-minded diners, who don’t mind the special from the day before.

Dollar stores drastically cutting prices.

To reduce the deficit, government selling naming rights to the White House.

Foreclosure parties break out across America. Protocol dictates that hosts serve pineapple upside down cake, while guests take turns playing “Pull Down the Ceiling Fan.”

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.

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