I thought you’d like to know about some new medications that just came on the market:

Phokiss – Are you easily distracted? Do you have a lack of knowledge because you couldn’t pay attention in class? Do you need more wisdom and insight? Phokiss activates the 90% of our brain we’re not using. Patients taking Phokiss will develop in-depth understanding of just about everything and will be anxious to share their knowledge with others. Warning: Patients should decrease their dosage if they suffer a sudden loss of friends or are causing family members to fake temporary deafness. Patients should discontinue taking Phokiss in the event their dog will no longer listen to them.

Knumb – Are chronic aches and pains making your life miserable? It only takes two little pills to end that suffering. Patients taking Knumb will lose all unpleasant sensations. They’ll feel like they’re literally walking on air. Warning: Patients taking Knumb should avoid hot surfaces, though they’ll feel strangely comfortable taking a Polar Plunge. Knumb is not recommended for patients who have suffered major trauma, as they might not realize they require medical care.

Sublyme – Are you an angry political partisan? Do you alienate family and friends with your harsh rhetoric? Sublyme activates your synapses, intensifying the connection between your right brain and left brain. You’ll begin sentences with, “I really liked what Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow had to say last night.” You’ll become a member of the NRA and join Greenpeace. Warning: Patients should discontinue Sublyme if they are considering wearing an Obama button to a Tea Party rally.

Wowie-Dowie – Do you have unexpected moments of intimacy with your wife? Are the two of you working on taxes, arguing over the thermostat setting, or complaining about tracked-in mud when suddenly your eyes lock? Named for the favorite expression of someone’s mother-in-law, Wowie-Dowie will suddenly make you want to recline in side-by-side bathtubs. Warning: If the effects of Wowie-Dowie last more than four hours, patients should check to see if their wife is having suicidal thoughts. Patients are urged to operate heavy machinery instead. Patients should stop taking Wowie-Dowie if they’re actually shopping for side-by-side bathtubs.

Rosevision – Are you a crabby pessimist always complaining about something? Do your co-workers shun you because you won’t stop carping about the copy machine? Taking Rosevision on a regular basis will turn you into a silver-lining expert. Patients taking Rosevision will find they are suddenly popular and everyone is attracted by their sunny disposition. Warning: Patients should decrease their dosage if they think red light cameras are a good idea or enjoy creating new user names and passwords. Patients should discontinue Rosevision if they think Scott Walker would be a great president. 

Veggie-ad – Are you eating an unhealthy diet because you can’t stand vegetables? Do you always eat meat and potatoes and go to Skrine Chops whenever you can? Veggie-ad contains addictive ingredients that cause patients to crave veggies. Patients taking Veggie-ad look and feel better. They are more likely to listen to NPR and enjoy heartfelt conversations. Warning: Patients should decrease their dosage if they suddenly love cats and take up knitting. Patients should stop taking Veggie-ad, if they develop a taste for beets or weigh 85 pounds. 

 John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.

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