Every morning, I get my adrenaline going by drinking six cups of coffee and watching Fox News. It’s tough to say which is more stimulating. I consider what Fox broadcasts, and by that token MSNBC, to be “pornographic politics.” Exciting but not real. 

On Fox, I listen to relentless Obama-bashing. As they decry one of the president’s acts, I think, “Barack did that? Way to go!” If Obama came up with a cure for cancer, Fox would criticize him for causing overpopulation.

Interspersed with disparaging all things Democrat, talking heads downplay police brutality, or they insist shooting victims would still be alive if only they had been packing. Minorities are blamed for systemic problems that are not all of their making. 

I don’t expect Fox to suddenly lead the charge against climate change, but I am shocked by the commentators they feature. I thought these people were officially disgraced. Col. Oliver North criticizes our military actions, or lack thereof, directed by our spineless president.

Mark Fuhrman defends alleged police misconduct — well, he would know. Former UN-hating ambassador John Bolton waggles his white walrus moustache while he pounds Obama for his foreign policy. The pronouncements they make immediately become “News Alerts.” “Obama’s policies putting America in danger” runs below the moustache. 

Karl Rove is grandly introduced as “The Architect.” Is being the architect of one of the worst administrations in U.S. history something to brag about? At least they got rid of political prognosticator Dick Morris, who stubbornly predicted a Romney landslide until the polls closed. 

They still use the term “illegal alien” — a sure vote-getter. They talk about “entitlements” like food stamps, as if the poor are dining on finger sandwiches. Occasionally some saber-rattling senator will demand we take military action against our enemies. Most of them speak with a twang. 

They love to expose welfare cheats. A female anchor was about to launch into a story about recipients using welfare funds to buy iPads. However, she prefaced her remarks by saying, “I first should explain to our viewers what an iPad is.”

That’s because the average age of a Fox viewer is 68, and it shows in their sponsors. Commercials for caregivers, walk-in showers and scooters. Ads for hearing aids, glasses and canes. They address so many needs of the aged, I’ll know just what to buy in five years.

We need reverse mortgages, cheap life insurance and plenty of silver and gold. (What’s in your safe?) We’re suffering from mesothelioma and aching joint pain. It’s not all bad. They advertise new and improved catheters like they’re sports cars. 

Apart from all these physical maladies, we’re receiving payments on a settlement when we need the lump sum instead. How does this company stay in business? Are that many people receiving settlements and do they all need the cash right away?

Thanks to its entertaining commercials, Fox is watchable during the day. But I can’t stomach their prime-time commentators with their shrill guests. Last week, though, there was a bright spot when Geraldo Rivera brought his moustache to the studio. Amid all of the hysteria about Iran, Geraldo calmly told the host that our 9/11 attackers and just about every anti-American Muslim terrorist is a Sunni, while Iran is a Shiite country. Geraldo’s point was that the enemy of our enemy is our friend. How did that guy get on the air? 

I’m expecting OJ to come on and discuss domestic violence.

John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.

John Rice

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.

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