• If they’re supposed to be Smartphones, why are most of my calls butt-dialed?
  • Am I the only one freaked out by those “No Gun” symbols on doors?
  • Don’t you find trudging up a broken escalator a bit disheartening?
  • Is there any way to bottle our September weather and open it in February?
  • Rocket science would be easy compared to remembering all the user names, passwords and PIN numbers we’re supposed to memorize.
  • For newspaper junkies like me, it’s getting harder to enjoy my daily fix. The pages are filled with stories about mayhem in the streets, strife in the world and which celebrity couple is breaking up.
  • Instead of all these online dating sites, why don’t we have sites where we can find a conversational partner? Anyone up for discussing archeology, poetry and French politics?
  • Has anyone noticed the deteriorating condition of the Forest Park Blue Line station? Leaky roof, pitted platform and some powerful odors.
  • Speaking of powerful smells, if your cologne is still dominating the room 20 minutes after you left, you might consider cutting back.
  • Studies show that starting times for middle schools and high schools should be no earlier than 8:30 a.m. Why are we making sleepy adolescents come to school at eight o’clock?
  • My co-author and I just finished the first draft of our novel. Before we can shop it around, we first have to make a big splash on social media. Is this how Hemingway made it?
  • By the way, Ernie had great advice for novelists. Imagine your book is an iceberg and let the reader figure out the submerged part. It really keeps your word count down.
  • Traffic on the Eisenhower: Sorry, I don’t have a joke for that.
  • There’s nothing that stimulates conversation more than everyone in the group wearing ear buds.
  • I suspect Siri is cheating on me. Last week, I asked her for directions and she said she was too busy to help. Is she seeing someone else?
  • As a big fan of radio, I’d like to tell the hosts on FM to stop talking, and the guys on AM to stop playing music. And if you are playing music on FM, don’t talk over the beginning of the song.
  • With these giant TV screens, why can’t they show the whole football field? They used to do it in black and white days and it makes the games much more interesting.
  • Just in case you’re feeling good today, I want you to know that half of the American population cannot afford an unexpected $400 expense without borrowing or selling something. Which explains why I’m ignoring that strange sound my car is making.
  • Our other car, the 1991 Pontiac LeSabre, was pronounced dead last week. How could this happen? It was only 145,000 miles old. 
  • I hate replays in any sport. What happened to the good old days of bad calls? Now we study a sideline catch like it was the Kennedy assassination. 
  • Memo to Subway: Too many questions. All I want is a sandwich.
  • I’m sure Kars for Kids is a worthy charity but that song — I need to have it surgically removed from my brain. 
  • Small town charm and big city access, we’re living the dream.

 John Rice is a columnist/private detective, who has seen his business and family thrive in Forest Park. He thoroughly enjoys life in the village and still gets a thrill smelling Red Hots, watching softball and strolling through cemeteries.

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.

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