It’s time to get serious with our New Year’s resolutions for 2023.

We’re going to buy a new car with enough sensors and cameras to take the guesswork out of changing lanes. But we’ll sure miss the adrenaline rush we get every time we merge. 

I’m going to spend another year talking about learning to play pickleball while avoiding any form of exercise. 

If anyone dares to use the term “homeless” in my presence, I’ll pounce on them with the more politically correct “unhoused.”

We will make sure to consume our daily recommended quantity of bacon. 

If we’re ever going to save the planet, we have to stop buying single-use water bottles. Besides, we can no longer carry a case of water.

We’re also going green by using handkerchiefs instead of tissues. Sociologists determined the decline of civilization began when we stopped carrying handkerchiefs or wearing one on display with our suits.

I will continue to volunteer at Triton College tutoring ESL students to improve their English. There’s no better way to sharpen your English skills than teaching it to others. 

My wife and I will save cash and calories by splitting restaurant entrees — for the rest of our lives. We’ll also experiment with the “Happy Hour” diet to see if we can survive on chicken wings and mozzarella sticks. 

I’ll continue to take walks without musical accompaniment. I also will not make phone calls. I have to stay alert to avoid pedestrians who are staring down at their screens.

I’m looking forward to hearing more from my friends at “Potential Spam.”

We’re never going to finish watching the second season of Ted Lasso because we couldn’t get past the episode that focused solely on Coach Beard. 

I will brush up on my geography and no longer write that Dubai is in Saudi Arabia. By the way, Dubai is now the number one tourist destination on the planet. What happened to Wisconsin Dells?

We’ll continue watching our grandsons, but the days of getting down on the floor with them are numbered. 

I’m trying to remain neutral in our upcoming local elections, but it’s tough to resist a fundraiser at Circle Lanes. 

The Altenheim Advisory Committee hasn’t asked me for input, but if we build a pond, animals and people will come. 

We’re converting our spare bedroom into an Airbnb. Guests are encouraged to supply their own air mattress. The single bathroom is available most mornings by 11. 

Solitaire Scrabble may sound desperate but it’s more fun than solitaire Yahtzee. I also enjoy playing solitaire basketball. 

We will continue to scroll through movie channels without watching any of them. Brings back fond memories of not finding anything to rent at the video store. 

I’m going to become a member at the Roos Recreation Center. Unlike more expensive health clubs, not showing up will only cost me $10 per month. 

We will explore exotic lands and encounter strange new cultures by driving south of I-80. 

We will avoid toxic people who only care about themselves and don’t want to hear detailed accounts about our health problems. 

We will continue to be grateful for the giving spirit of Forest Park. 

John Rice

John Rice is a columnist/novelist who has seen his family thrive in Forest Park. He has published two books set in the village: The Ghost of Cleopatra and The Doll with the Sad Face.